Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Being Childless

I could never foresee how traumatic this would be for me. Have not seen everything in life but seen some, might even say I am fairly tough, but this one is a bummer. Time and again it surfaces and its like a never ending black hole. Very few things in life actually manage to set me back, so much so that it scares the shit out of me , but this one..i can not explain, is like a ...
The need to care, share and love, is but natural and for me it's a right that is taken away which comes to millions naturally. I can question a hundred "why me's " but that really doesn't take me anywhere does it?

Some people would encourage me about how fortunate it is and how it is peer pressure that is controlling me, but i know deep inside that is not the case.

Being childfree is a choice, being childless is a state of NO choice.Wait, maybe there are choices that we are blind to..at least most are.

Sometimes I don't even know why I am going through these tests, these treatments, I DO NOT want to do it. The more I do it, the more stupid I feel. Its against every grain of my being. I believe in things coming naturally. If this isn't meant to be, so be it, maybe there is a different road to take. Every day I lose a day, adding another day miserable about not being able to do something that will make my life whole.

I have always wanted to adopt, even when I was not aware that conception would be difficult. Sometimes its family, sometimes its us, sometimes its this and sometimes its that. I feel angry and upset, that everything around me is moving , except for me to do what I have always wanted to. It really isn't much to ask, and I know I have never willed anyone , ANYONE ill in my life, rather I have tried to keep most happy around me. Sometimes I think, that is where the problem lies, I have probably bent over backwards trying to maintain a balance, in the process screwing up my own.
I can scream it out how much it hurts, how pointless it feels, there is no one to hear.
Every one is so caught up in the present, in themselves, their thoughts, their values, their morals... and I am so sick and tired of it all.

"Desiderata" (Latin for "desired things") is an inspirational poem about attaining happiness in life. It was first copyrighted in 1927 by Max Ehrmann.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

1 comment:

shanon said...

the toxic past life of indulgence and neglect has led many to overlook the real reason for being childless....at least that was the case with me. Smoking a cig here and there is how it started and it gradually became an addiction to a point that the body stopped feeling hungry or the body just simply stopped feeling anything. The bohemian life of a selfindulgent student graduated to become a selfindulgent life of selfindulgent wife.
Your blog has touched me in more than one way.......just adopt.