Mrs Menon called just as I was going to call her. Our Home study report was approved and is now attested. Phew!! We are on our way :)
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Unfortunately, courage sometimes means you have to walk the road alone
Unfortunately, courage sometimes means you have to walk the road alone...
This was once said about a president but I have always been reminded of it time and again!
Its spooky how both the dogs are fretting around me at half past midnight. I can't sleep and they sense I am agitated :). They are my constant silent companions. Truly unquestioned companionship. It is rare that I feel so dark, it is scary, because I know where this leads, I have been there, and it is really not nice. So I decided to pen and rant to get it over with.
It is not that friends do not want to see but most are so caught up in their own struggles that they do not see what they might otherwise. Can not say I do not understand, but have to admit the callousness is upsetting.
I have forgotten the number of months even , when i could count how many bad days we have had. I can count the number of people who have even felt vaguely empathetic. It drives me mad the superficialness of it.
Things so important to us, everything is just screwing up, almost spinning out of control and here we are just watching the world go by. Yesterday at the hospital after the relief of having seen a healthy birth I was strangely sad that it is an experience we will never know. I am happy about adoption but this is something quite different. It is a bonding we will miss out on completely. Amongst the happiness I did not have the heart to show how hurt I felt. It is not fair and I did it so well, no one actually saw, and now I am angry about it, at no one in particular, just sad as hell. So many whys and no answers , things that shake your faith. My religion is to be a good human being and I follow it as well as I can, but my faith is taking a battering. Faith is to believe. To believe in positivity to come, but when you keep tripping , you wonder, are you walking the right road? Who answers these for you?
I know our problems might be petty, but they are not petty for us.
My husband is a good man and it is frustrating to see him put through the grill that he could do without. What can i do to help? Be there, is it enough?
I have always felt I am a hardy person but I feel beaten, beaten by luck, that's shit luck. But it is not in my hands..what sort of good is that?
Like I said so many questions.......
We have tried to be there for people in small ways , in big ways, but most seem so selfish, they only realise the need to be with, when they have something to share. I won't wish that they realise some day, that when they need to share that they will find themselves lonely but I know it will come and I wish it did not have to be that way and then it will be too late for us to turn around and see or care. Life makes people so sick, it's sad.
We have never wanted to be super rich, just enough to do some things we like, to provide for those who need the support and to live feeling happy about what we do, basically hit the bed with a clean heart.
We deserve to see our family healthy, happy and well provided for, but for now its out of our hands.
We would love to experience parenthood but it seems to evade.
We hope to live untainted, but we are invariably stuck.
WHY?
Things which are normal, which people take for granted, which we work for, wont come to us..why?
We are sad, We are lonely and We are tired, why wont people see it? Is empathy too much to ask for? Is being there so tough? Is support so inconceivable?
This was once said about a president but I have always been reminded of it time and again!
Its spooky how both the dogs are fretting around me at half past midnight. I can't sleep and they sense I am agitated :). They are my constant silent companions. Truly unquestioned companionship. It is rare that I feel so dark, it is scary, because I know where this leads, I have been there, and it is really not nice. So I decided to pen and rant to get it over with.
It is not that friends do not want to see but most are so caught up in their own struggles that they do not see what they might otherwise. Can not say I do not understand, but have to admit the callousness is upsetting.
I have forgotten the number of months even , when i could count how many bad days we have had. I can count the number of people who have even felt vaguely empathetic. It drives me mad the superficialness of it.
Things so important to us, everything is just screwing up, almost spinning out of control and here we are just watching the world go by. Yesterday at the hospital after the relief of having seen a healthy birth I was strangely sad that it is an experience we will never know. I am happy about adoption but this is something quite different. It is a bonding we will miss out on completely. Amongst the happiness I did not have the heart to show how hurt I felt. It is not fair and I did it so well, no one actually saw, and now I am angry about it, at no one in particular, just sad as hell. So many whys and no answers , things that shake your faith. My religion is to be a good human being and I follow it as well as I can, but my faith is taking a battering. Faith is to believe. To believe in positivity to come, but when you keep tripping , you wonder, are you walking the right road? Who answers these for you?
I know our problems might be petty, but they are not petty for us.
My husband is a good man and it is frustrating to see him put through the grill that he could do without. What can i do to help? Be there, is it enough?
I have always felt I am a hardy person but I feel beaten, beaten by luck, that's shit luck. But it is not in my hands..what sort of good is that?
Like I said so many questions.......
We have tried to be there for people in small ways , in big ways, but most seem so selfish, they only realise the need to be with, when they have something to share. I won't wish that they realise some day, that when they need to share that they will find themselves lonely but I know it will come and I wish it did not have to be that way and then it will be too late for us to turn around and see or care. Life makes people so sick, it's sad.
We have never wanted to be super rich, just enough to do some things we like, to provide for those who need the support and to live feeling happy about what we do, basically hit the bed with a clean heart.
We deserve to see our family healthy, happy and well provided for, but for now its out of our hands.
We would love to experience parenthood but it seems to evade.
We hope to live untainted, but we are invariably stuck.
WHY?
Things which are normal, which people take for granted, which we work for, wont come to us..why?
We are sad, We are lonely and We are tired, why wont people see it? Is empathy too much to ask for? Is being there so tough? Is support so inconceivable?
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Chandana & Rajarshi have a baby girl
Yesterday basically was spent in the hospital as Chandana gave birth at 10:51 PM on June 30th to a baby girl, her name is Ratri :). Watching Chandana in so much pain was awful but I guess its all worthwhile in the end. Must be quite an experience having a baby, this is the second delivery after Rohan that I was so close to. Gives me goosies. Both of them look so happy and I am so glad everything worked out just fine, they deserve it.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
For those "first time Satya Narayan Puja
I hunted for the "Samagri *" lists and the Shinni Recipes ( Sinni, Shinny, Sinny) lists online and was really surprised not to find any! And I am sure there are many aspirants like me searching the net for those. So iI decided to put it down here just in case anyone wants or needs it.
Satya Narayan Puja Samagri List
- Sindoor
- 6 Paan Leaves
- Supari 5 Pcs
- Elaichi / Hortuki
- Mango Leaf 5 headed
- Kalash
- Whole Coconut / Banana
- Red Cloth, 1 small and 1 large piece
- Flowers
- 25 Tulsi leaves / Indian Basil
- Whole rice with shell / Dhaan
- Raisin Incense to put in fire
- Ghee / Clarified Butter
- Honey
- Ganga Jal
- Yogurt / Curd
- Milk
- Incense
- Tri headed grass / Dhubbo
- Raisins
- Camphour
- Black Sesame
- Sugar
- Puja Vessels
- Mustard Oil
- Lamp wicks
- Cleaning cloth
- Par Boiled Rice
- 5 kinds of whole veggies
- 5 kinds of fruit
- Raw grated coconut
- Whole turmeric
- Sweets
- Poitey / Janeu String
- 5 kinds of gulal
- Stool / Chowki
- Container to light fire / baking tray with sand bottom
- Chandan wood piece
- Wood to burn
- 500 grams Atta ( Wheat Flour )
- Dry Fruits
- 11 Bananas
Shinni ( Sinni, Shinny, Sinny) Recipe
This is usually made in Bengali SatyaNarayan Pujas. The only diffrence between how bengalis do Satyanarayn and the others do it is just this "Shinni" as the main prasad, otherwise everything else is exactly the same.The proportion is important to maintain. I Had a small gathering and hence I made the 5 banana quantity which is the minimum you make.
Ingredients -
This is usually made in Bengali SatyaNarayan Pujas. The only diffrence between how bengalis do Satyanarayn and the others do it is just this "Shinni" as the main prasad, otherwise everything else is exactly the same.The proportion is important to maintain. I Had a small gathering and hence I made the 5 banana quantity which is the minimum you make.
Ingredients -
- 300 gms Atta / Wheat Flour
- 300 gms Sugar / Jaggery
- 300 ml Milk
- Cut dry fruits to taste
- Grated coconut to taste
- A little cardamom seeds
- 5 ripe bananas
- Start by mashing the bananas and sugar into a smooth paste with your hands in a puja vessel.
- Add Milk & Add Atta and consistency should be that of a cake batter
- Pour the remaining and mix well
What can one say !?
It's becoming a little tiring to write about one's troubles. Ever since the year started it has been constant, before one finishes the other starts. At the end of the day you're so stretched and exhausted fire fighting that one really has to look for excuses to feel a little happy. It is now becoming such a state that we are "scared" to be relaxed as we do not know what else is in store around the bend!
It is ridiculous! the way things are going.
Had been thinking of a Satya Narayan at home for a while, we did one on last Thursday. can not say I am an avid fan of rituals but as someone who can not fathom the turn of the past events, I am inclined to believe in anything that is a positive force. Narayan, the "Preserver", please help us maintain our mental sanctity.
A good thing that worked was , the Kashmir trip got called off because of the passport problem. Its sad but I am relieved now because there is a total shut down in Srinagar for the exact days that we were to be there! The city has been under a lot of tension and we keep hearing about so many stranded tourists. Ajaz's team, was so understanding when we cancelled, it was really nice of them, i hope things look up for them soon, it must be tough to maintain a business there!
Anyways so much for now.
It is ridiculous! the way things are going.
Had been thinking of a Satya Narayan at home for a while, we did one on last Thursday. can not say I am an avid fan of rituals but as someone who can not fathom the turn of the past events, I am inclined to believe in anything that is a positive force. Narayan, the "Preserver", please help us maintain our mental sanctity.
A good thing that worked was , the Kashmir trip got called off because of the passport problem. Its sad but I am relieved now because there is a total shut down in Srinagar for the exact days that we were to be there! The city has been under a lot of tension and we keep hearing about so many stranded tourists. Ajaz's team, was so understanding when we cancelled, it was really nice of them, i hope things look up for them soon, it must be tough to maintain a business there!
Anyways so much for now.
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