Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Unfortunately, courage sometimes means you have to walk the road alone

Unfortunately, courage sometimes means you have to walk the road alone...
This was once said about a president but I have always been reminded of it time and again!

Its spooky how both the dogs are fretting around me at half past midnight. I can't sleep and they sense I am agitated :). They are my constant silent companions. Truly unquestioned companionship. It is rare that I feel so dark, it is scary, because I know where this leads, I have been there, and it is really not nice. So I decided to pen and rant to get it over with.

It is not that friends do not want to see but most are so caught up in their own struggles that they do not see what they might otherwise. Can not say I do not understand, but have to admit the callousness is upsetting.

I have forgotten the number of months even , when i could count how many bad days we have had. I can count the number of people who have even felt vaguely empathetic. It drives me mad the superficialness of it.

Things so important to us, everything is just screwing up, almost spinning out of control and here we are just watching the world go by. Yesterday at the hospital after the relief of having seen a healthy birth I was strangely sad that it is an experience we will never know. I am happy about adoption but this is something quite different. It is a bonding we will miss out on completely. Amongst the happiness I did not have the heart to show how hurt I felt. It is not fair and I did it so well, no one actually saw, and now I am angry about it, at no one in particular, just sad as hell. So many whys and no answers , things that shake your faith. My religion is to be a good human being and I follow it as well as I can, but my faith is taking a battering. Faith is to believe. To believe in positivity to come, but when you keep tripping , you wonder, are you walking the right road? Who answers these for you?

I know our problems might be petty, but they are not petty for us.

My husband is a good man and it is frustrating to see him put through the grill that he could do without. What can i do to help? Be there, is it enough?

I have always felt I am a hardy person but I feel beaten, beaten by luck, that's shit luck. But it is not in my hands..what sort of good is that?

Like I said so many questions.......

We have tried to be there for people in small ways , in big ways, but most seem so selfish, they only realise the need to be with, when they have something to share. I won't wish that they realise some day, that when they need to share that they will find themselves lonely but I know it will come and I wish it did not have to be that way and then it will be too late for us to turn around and see or care. Life makes people so sick, it's sad.

We have never wanted to be super rich, just enough to do some things we like, to provide for those who need the support and to live feeling happy about what we do, basically hit the bed with a clean heart.

We deserve to see our family healthy, happy and well provided for, but for now its out of our hands.
We would love to experience parenthood but it seems to evade.
We hope to live untainted, but we are invariably stuck.
WHY?
Things which are normal, which people take for granted, which we work for, wont come to us..why?
We are sad, We are lonely and We are tired, why wont people see it? Is empathy too much to ask for? Is being there so tough? Is support so inconceivable?

2 comments:

shanon said...

Papia-

You are looking for assurance from those who don't understand....and probably don't want to. You hubby seems like a balanced guy and I am sure he understands. Let me say this. I tried and succeeded having babies but they are both disabled.....my body was not able to provide. If you can live a tox free life (no alcohol, no cig and no drugs) for a year and then you will see magic happening. Why subject yourself to the unknown without being prepared to handle the unkown. Don't try and make the mistake of concieving without being free of the nasty stuff that may harm your chances of healing and having a healthy baby. You have every right to make one baby of your own and may god bless you will. Be honest and ask. Did I really try or was it just a feeling of me too. Adoption may be the best thing that may happen to the baby/child and you....will pray for you

Deepan said...

Can I quote from the Gita here ? maybe when in you are a better mood and more receptive for some gyan :) hope things are much better now.

D