Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Dehradun Trip - The other side of the story...

I was so hurt and annoyed with my MILs last conversation with me on the phone that I was dead against going to Dehradun. The only reason B managed to coax me to visit Dehradun was that he would speak to his mum about what she said to me and also i thought he would find it impossible to travel with Paheli without me as she wasn’t familiar with him and he wanted to make this trip for Dad. He did talk to her as always but to no serious outcome, she still is so arrogant that she would not bring it up with me or even try to reconcile as to what she said was wrong. Apparently she is "scared" of talking to me. Interesting that before she dished out the filmy stuff on the phone to me, when I was least expecting it and down in the dumps or when B wasn’t home, she did not feel so scared, Such a bunch of rubbish!!! She really expected me to buy that??? Does she think I am an idiot?

B has been very upset since the Dehradun incident but I think he understands where it comes from. No complains from that end. He feels bad because of the timing. Every time something nice happens for us 2, she is there to mess it royally! What irritates me is that no one, not even Dad ever even bothered to ask me my end of it. Shows they don’t care and I need to know that they do, otherwise what’s the point of doing what i do. And respect is another. I felt really let down by daddy this time, i mean really, he never even asked before judging it all against me as unreasonable behaviour and that I don’t want to keep any relationships with them, It is ironic J isn’t it?

Whatever I have done I have done from my heart and not duty and because I felt I should have done whenever the need arose. It’s just that whenever I am pissed about something the matter comes under cover because there are other things to be dealt with. I have done it long enough and can’t seem to pretend anymore unless there is an effort from the other side.

Accepting Paheli was one thing but that doesn’t say they accept me. its imp for me to have a one on one relationship, not as someone’s wife and not as someone’s mother, but as me , something I never got from the other end. The list is long,...what I am not..not, what I do and what I am. There is no appreciation for a good heart and I have nothing more to offer. Sadly I am not a lip service daughter in law. I do what I must and I think I have been there whenever needed.

Maybe my mother in law would have been happy with a village girl who looked upto her but im not one and their son chose to be happy with me. Acceptance is one thing but unless they respect me and accept me, I cannot continue. No one asked my MIL what exactly she said to me and why she said it to me other than her son, I think it was unforgivable. She always pokes me around when other aren’t listening, and most times I let it pass,, but that has made others feel, nothing ever happened, so much for being decent. Unfortunately, what I must do, I do openly, I have nothing to hide, so obviously I am the idiot and the bad person, so be it, if people are so stupid, bcoz they cannot see beyond their nose.

The things that she has said are inexcusable but yet no one will ask her. But they will gang up against me on a small detail that i was rude. I was decent with everyone else and waited for a reconciliation until i realised one was never to come.

When I did not go with them and did not eat the whole day, not a single person came up to me and asked me..what does that say? they don’t give a shit, so why should I?

I think I was within my rights to be angry, she suggested a surrogacy, that i am not trying enough, does she know what that means?, how that made me feel after I struggled for 2 yrs to conceive, and the problem is not even just at my end. I have done surgeries, extensive hormonal treatments but those obviously are not considered, I am not a baby making machine and i feel hurt enough about it, where is the human factor? I will never forget My MILs words the time when they were visiting Dubai post my surgery, one day I was in severe pain and the doc asked me to come in right away..B came home early to take me to the doc, my MIL asked him why I couldn’t go to the doc myself, if I was so smart in everything else!! I couldn’t believe she said that! I hated her then. This is the woman, I spent a month with after she returned post her surgery because B couldn’t take out the time, just so I could check how she was doing.

Every time B has goofed up and I have suffered & I am to blame, that’s shitty, nobody talked about that. Why did she not ask her son those questions, why me? when she did not even bother to speak with me for months?, when B asked them to come to Dubai all his mum said was , 'woh sirf tera ghar nahi hai" after I waited at the hospital , sleeping on a chair at the cafeteria downstairs , waiting for results and pestering B since Diwali that something was wrong with daddy, how am I to feel with that comment when I have taken an active interest in their well being whole heartedly. I don’t believe in petty issues, I think there are more imp things in life to be serious about, yet no one asked my side of it..yes I am angry and no one bothered to ask me why, still no one continues to ask me why.

when we were seeing each other, B was offered officially as a prospective hubby by Mona, yet the blame lies on me, B didn’t keep his side in the loop whereas mine were in the loop throughout, yet the blame and the angst lies on my side..why?

On my first day at my in laws in the hospital my MIL walked in and said she did not accept this marriage, how would that make you feel?

This time she crossed the line and she crossed it too far and refuses to make amends and if the rest including dad cannot support me then it’s a lost cause and I don’t have either the inclination or will to correct things. As for me, she never accepted me, they still grudge me and I don’t care anymore. If they make an effort I will reciprocate but I refuse to step back and put it behind me. A reconciliatory effort from MILs side is due and I am not budging till it happens. It’s high time she respects me for what I am and stops playing mind games with me behind people' back which she has been doing consistently and tried to continue, i am sorry Mrs. Sah, you will not mess with me anymore and if your son won’t stop you, because he loves you, I won’t come in the way, but you better not cross the line with me ever again.

I have told B,that whenever and however late they make an effort, i will reciprocate again,but this time the ball is in their court and i am not serving. Till then i am out of their life, i am not sure i ever was part of it, sadly.

1 comment:

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