New blog added

been busy blogging on this one. so no i have'nt vanished!
http://www.bujhopaheli.blogspot.com

Melancholic Diwali

This year has been a lot of "first times" for us. Some sad, some happy.
But i am missing B so much on Diwali, especially as it is so special, this time it's Paheli' first Diwali as well :(..i am missing B :(, missing my home , missing my doggies :(. Sniff sniff.

Dehradun Trip - The other side of the story...

I was so hurt and annoyed with my MILs last conversation with me on the phone that I was dead against going to Dehradun. The only reason B managed to coax me to visit Dehradun was that he would speak to his mum about what she said to me and also i thought he would find it impossible to travel with Paheli without me as she wasn’t familiar with him and he wanted to make this trip for Dad. He did talk to her as always but to no serious outcome, she still is so arrogant that she would not bring it up with me or even try to reconcile as to what she said was wrong. Apparently she is "scared" of talking to me. Interesting that before she dished out the filmy stuff on the phone to me, when I was least expecting it and down in the dumps or when B wasn’t home, she did not feel so scared, Such a bunch of rubbish!!! She really expected me to buy that??? Does she think I am an idiot?

B has been very upset since the Dehradun incident but I think he understands where it comes from. No complains from that end. He feels bad because of the timing. Every time something nice happens for us 2, she is there to mess it royally! What irritates me is that no one, not even Dad ever even bothered to ask me my end of it. Shows they don’t care and I need to know that they do, otherwise what’s the point of doing what i do. And respect is another. I felt really let down by daddy this time, i mean really, he never even asked before judging it all against me as unreasonable behaviour and that I don’t want to keep any relationships with them, It is ironic J isn’t it?

Whatever I have done I have done from my heart and not duty and because I felt I should have done whenever the need arose. It’s just that whenever I am pissed about something the matter comes under cover because there are other things to be dealt with. I have done it long enough and can’t seem to pretend anymore unless there is an effort from the other side.

Accepting Paheli was one thing but that doesn’t say they accept me. its imp for me to have a one on one relationship, not as someone’s wife and not as someone’s mother, but as me , something I never got from the other end. The list is long,...what I am not..not, what I do and what I am. There is no appreciation for a good heart and I have nothing more to offer. Sadly I am not a lip service daughter in law. I do what I must and I think I have been there whenever needed.

Maybe my mother in law would have been happy with a village girl who looked upto her but im not one and their son chose to be happy with me. Acceptance is one thing but unless they respect me and accept me, I cannot continue. No one asked my MIL what exactly she said to me and why she said it to me other than her son, I think it was unforgivable. She always pokes me around when other aren’t listening, and most times I let it pass,, but that has made others feel, nothing ever happened, so much for being decent. Unfortunately, what I must do, I do openly, I have nothing to hide, so obviously I am the idiot and the bad person, so be it, if people are so stupid, bcoz they cannot see beyond their nose.

The things that she has said are inexcusable but yet no one will ask her. But they will gang up against me on a small detail that i was rude. I was decent with everyone else and waited for a reconciliation until i realised one was never to come.

When I did not go with them and did not eat the whole day, not a single person came up to me and asked me..what does that say? they don’t give a shit, so why should I?

I think I was within my rights to be angry, she suggested a surrogacy, that i am not trying enough, does she know what that means?, how that made me feel after I struggled for 2 yrs to conceive, and the problem is not even just at my end. I have done surgeries, extensive hormonal treatments but those obviously are not considered, I am not a baby making machine and i feel hurt enough about it, where is the human factor? I will never forget My MILs words the time when they were visiting Dubai post my surgery, one day I was in severe pain and the doc asked me to come in right away..B came home early to take me to the doc, my MIL asked him why I couldn’t go to the doc myself, if I was so smart in everything else!! I couldn’t believe she said that! I hated her then. This is the woman, I spent a month with after she returned post her surgery because B couldn’t take out the time, just so I could check how she was doing.

Every time B has goofed up and I have suffered & I am to blame, that’s shitty, nobody talked about that. Why did she not ask her son those questions, why me? when she did not even bother to speak with me for months?, when B asked them to come to Dubai all his mum said was , 'woh sirf tera ghar nahi hai" after I waited at the hospital , sleeping on a chair at the cafeteria downstairs , waiting for results and pestering B since Diwali that something was wrong with daddy, how am I to feel with that comment when I have taken an active interest in their well being whole heartedly. I don’t believe in petty issues, I think there are more imp things in life to be serious about, yet no one asked my side of it..yes I am angry and no one bothered to ask me why, still no one continues to ask me why.

when we were seeing each other, B was offered officially as a prospective hubby by Mona, yet the blame lies on me, B didn’t keep his side in the loop whereas mine were in the loop throughout, yet the blame and the angst lies on my side..why?

On my first day at my in laws in the hospital my MIL walked in and said she did not accept this marriage, how would that make you feel?

This time she crossed the line and she crossed it too far and refuses to make amends and if the rest including dad cannot support me then it’s a lost cause and I don’t have either the inclination or will to correct things. As for me, she never accepted me, they still grudge me and I don’t care anymore. If they make an effort I will reciprocate but I refuse to step back and put it behind me. A reconciliatory effort from MILs side is due and I am not budging till it happens. It’s high time she respects me for what I am and stops playing mind games with me behind people' back which she has been doing consistently and tried to continue, i am sorry Mrs. Sah, you will not mess with me anymore and if your son won’t stop you, because he loves you, I won’t come in the way, but you better not cross the line with me ever again.

I have told B,that whenever and however late they make an effort, i will reciprocate again,but this time the ball is in their court and i am not serving. Till then i am out of their life, i am not sure i ever was part of it, sadly.

Our Baby Paheli

On 27th August Paheli is officially our child. I really do not know what else to say other than the fact that i havent been so happy in a long time :). Paheli was adopted from India. She is 5 mnths old now, is dusky and has big eyes. She is gentle and sweet and all we could ask for her. Thanks! who ever is watching up there..you do , do some things right :)

My Czech Republic & Denmark travelogues

I have created two separate blogs for travelogues for these 2 regions. you can find it on the right hand links as well as these. they all connect back to the main blog.

Czech Republic
http://papia-czechrepublic.blogspot.com/
Denmark
http://papia-denmark.blogspot.com/

These are still in process. So check back in some time till i manage to update these.

No title that i can think of

Been somewhat busy today, desperately finding "nice" things to do. Read up a lot on the adoption homes, wrote to few and generally put together documents. I am so looking forward to it.
Amongst all the crap, this is one positive thing and I will channel my energy to that.

Saw horrendous photos of the floods near my IL's place, I hope things sort out soon. Dr. Advani cleared up a lot of air and gave some practical suggestions I hope Daddy feels better about that. It's so strange that now a days my brain is so deadened with all that is going on I find myself at a total loss for processing any outside information. Saurabh called today and I don't even remember what he said!!

Bhabi came today, its nice she drops in regularly, she is going to India, i figure she doesn't like it here and I don't blame her, we know exactly how she feels!

Bobpsy is feeling bad today, I can see that, the lawyers aren't doing anything, tomorrow he will go himself, we don't expect anything much and neither is he looking forward to it, there is nothing to look forward to about the situation! Stuff stinks here..crap!

yipeee

Mrs Menon called just as I was going to call her. Our Home study report was approved and is now attested. Phew!! We are on our way :)

Unfortunately, courage sometimes means you have to walk the road alone

Unfortunately, courage sometimes means you have to walk the road alone...
This was once said about a president but I have always been reminded of it time and again!

Its spooky how both the dogs are fretting around me at half past midnight. I can't sleep and they sense I am agitated :). They are my constant silent companions. Truly unquestioned companionship. It is rare that I feel so dark, it is scary, because I know where this leads, I have been there, and it is really not nice. So I decided to pen and rant to get it over with.

It is not that friends do not want to see but most are so caught up in their own struggles that they do not see what they might otherwise. Can not say I do not understand, but have to admit the callousness is upsetting.

I have forgotten the number of months even , when i could count how many bad days we have had. I can count the number of people who have even felt vaguely empathetic. It drives me mad the superficialness of it.

Things so important to us, everything is just screwing up, almost spinning out of control and here we are just watching the world go by. Yesterday at the hospital after the relief of having seen a healthy birth I was strangely sad that it is an experience we will never know. I am happy about adoption but this is something quite different. It is a bonding we will miss out on completely. Amongst the happiness I did not have the heart to show how hurt I felt. It is not fair and I did it so well, no one actually saw, and now I am angry about it, at no one in particular, just sad as hell. So many whys and no answers , things that shake your faith. My religion is to be a good human being and I follow it as well as I can, but my faith is taking a battering. Faith is to believe. To believe in positivity to come, but when you keep tripping , you wonder, are you walking the right road? Who answers these for you?

I know our problems might be petty, but they are not petty for us.

My husband is a good man and it is frustrating to see him put through the grill that he could do without. What can i do to help? Be there, is it enough?

I have always felt I am a hardy person but I feel beaten, beaten by luck, that's shit luck. But it is not in my hands..what sort of good is that?

Like I said so many questions.......

We have tried to be there for people in small ways , in big ways, but most seem so selfish, they only realise the need to be with, when they have something to share. I won't wish that they realise some day, that when they need to share that they will find themselves lonely but I know it will come and I wish it did not have to be that way and then it will be too late for us to turn around and see or care. Life makes people so sick, it's sad.

We have never wanted to be super rich, just enough to do some things we like, to provide for those who need the support and to live feeling happy about what we do, basically hit the bed with a clean heart.

We deserve to see our family healthy, happy and well provided for, but for now its out of our hands.
We would love to experience parenthood but it seems to evade.
We hope to live untainted, but we are invariably stuck.
WHY?
Things which are normal, which people take for granted, which we work for, wont come to us..why?
We are sad, We are lonely and We are tired, why wont people see it? Is empathy too much to ask for? Is being there so tough? Is support so inconceivable?

Chandana & Rajarshi have a baby girl

Yesterday basically was spent in the hospital as Chandana gave birth at 10:51 PM on June 30th to a baby girl, her name is Ratri :). Watching Chandana in so much pain was awful but I guess its all worthwhile in the end. Must be quite an experience having a baby, this is the second delivery after Rohan that I was so close to. Gives me goosies. Both of them look so happy and I am so glad everything worked out just fine, they deserve it.

For those "first time Satya Narayan Puja

I hunted for the "Samagri *" lists and the Shinni Recipes ( Sinni, Shinny, Sinny) lists online and was really surprised not to find any! And I am sure there are many aspirants like me searching the net for those. So iI decided to put it down here just in case anyone wants or needs it.

Satya Narayan Puja Samagri List

• Sindoor
• 6 Paan Leaves
• Supari 5 Pcs
• Elaichi / Hortuki
• Mango Leaf 5 headed
• Kalash
• Whole Coconut / Banana
• Red Cloth, 1 small and 1 large piece
• Flowers
• 25 Tulsi leaves / Indian Basil
• Whole rice with shell / Dhaan
• Raisin Incense to put in fire
• Ghee / Clarified Butter
• Honey
• Ganga Jal
• Yogurt / Curd
• Milk
• Incense
• Tri headed grass / Dhubbo
  
• Raisins
• Camphour
• Black Sesame
• Sugar
• Puja Vessels
• Mustard Oil
• Lamp wicks
• Cleaning cloth
• Par Boiled Rice
• 5 kinds of whole veggies
• 5 kinds of fruit
• Raw grated coconut
• Whole turmeric
• Sweets
• Poitey / Janeu String
• 5 kinds of gulal
• Stool / Chowki
• Container to light fire / baking tray with sand bottom
• Chandan wood piece
• Wood to burn
• 500 grams Atta ( Wheat Flour )
• Dry Fruits
• 11 Bananas

Shinni ( Sinni, Shinny, Sinny) Recipe

This is usually made in Bengali SatyaNarayan Pujas. The only diffrence between how bengalis do Satyanarayn and the others do it is just this "Shinni" as the main prasad, otherwise everything else is exactly the same.The proportion is important to maintain. I Had a small gathering and hence I made the 5 banana quantity which is the minimum you make.

Ingredients -

• 300 gms Atta / Wheat Flour
• 300 gms Sugar / Jaggery
• 300 ml Milk
• Cut dry fruits to taste
• Grated coconut to taste
• A little cardamom seeds
• 5 ripe bananas

Method -

1. Start by mashing the bananas and sugar into a smooth paste with your hands in a puja vessel.
2. Add Milk & Add Atta and consistency should be that of a cake batter
3. Pour the remaining and mix well
   

What can one say !?

It's becoming a little tiring to write about one's troubles. Ever since the year started it has been constant, before one finishes the other starts. At the end of the day you're so stretched and exhausted fire fighting that one really has to look for excuses to feel a little happy. It is now becoming such a state that we are "scared" to be relaxed as we do not know what else is in store around the bend!
It is ridiculous! the way things are going.
Had been thinking of a Satya Narayan at home for a while, we did one on last Thursday. can not say I am an avid fan of rituals but as someone who can not fathom the turn of the past events, I am inclined to believe in anything that is a positive force. Narayan, the "Preserver", please help us maintain our mental sanctity.





A good thing that worked was , the Kashmir trip got called off because of the passport problem. Its sad but I am relieved now because there is a total shut down in Srinagar for the exact days that we were to be there! The city has been under a lot of tension and we keep hearing about so many stranded tourists. Ajaz's team, was so understanding when we cancelled, it was really nice of them, i hope things look up for them soon, it must be tough to maintain a business there!
Anyways so much for now.

Smiling BKK

Rajarshi took B to to this little hole in the wall place last month. Last week we had a chance to go together. Its really quaint and small, reminds me of some places in Copenhagen. The decor is cool and seats about 20 people at a time, right behind a petrol pump, you would never guess its there.
Its reasonable and the food great. We will go again today after the massage session :) yippe yummy !!

Himalyan getaways

Found a cool link for the Himalyas
Click here

Have heard a lot about Hampi
An interesting blog about it. Click here
to get to hampi, via bellary or hospet http://www.hampi.in/cost.htm

Hampi Express (Train number 6592) leaves Bangalore for Hubli at 10.20 PM from the Bangalore City station (SBC). It reaches Hospet (HPT) by about 8’O clock in the morning. On the return journey the train (Train number 6591) leaves Hospet by 7.55 in the evening and reaches Bangalore by 6 in the morning.

Cool place people stay in called Shanti lodge
Photos here
Found this one for bangalore
http://www.chillibreeze.com/articles/Top10Trips.asp
For the future sometime...

things that make you go hmmm

To be without desire is to be content. But contentment is not happiness. And in contentment there is no progress. Happiness is to desire something, to work for it, and to obtain at least a part of it. In the pursuit of beloved labor the busy days pass cheerfully employed, and the still nights in peaceful sleep.

For labor born of desire is not drudgerey, but manly play. Success brings hope, hope inspires fresh desire, and desire gives zest to life and joy to labor. This is true whether your days be spent in the palaces of the powerful or in some little green byway of the world.

Therefore, while yet you have the strength, cherish a desire to do some useful work in your little corner of the world, and have the steadfastness to labor. For this is the way to the happy life; with health and endearing ties, it is the way to the glorious life.

Max Ehrmann
1872 - 1945

Being Childless

I could never foresee how traumatic this would be for me. Have not seen everything in life but seen some, might even say I am fairly tough, but this one is a bummer. Time and again it surfaces and its like a never ending black hole. Very few things in life actually manage to set me back, so much so that it scares the shit out of me , but this one..i can not explain, is like a ...
The need to care, share and love, is but natural and for me it's a right that is taken away which comes to millions naturally. I can question a hundred "why me's " but that really doesn't take me anywhere does it?

Some people would encourage me about how fortunate it is and how it is peer pressure that is controlling me, but i know deep inside that is not the case.

Being childfree is a choice, being childless is a state of NO choice.Wait, maybe there are choices that we are blind to..at least most are.

Sometimes I don't even know why I am going through these tests, these treatments, I DO NOT want to do it. The more I do it, the more stupid I feel. Its against every grain of my being. I believe in things coming naturally. If this isn't meant to be, so be it, maybe there is a different road to take. Every day I lose a day, adding another day miserable about not being able to do something that will make my life whole.

I have always wanted to adopt, even when I was not aware that conception would be difficult. Sometimes its family, sometimes its us, sometimes its this and sometimes its that. I feel angry and upset, that everything around me is moving , except for me to do what I have always wanted to. It really isn't much to ask, and I know I have never willed anyone , ANYONE ill in my life, rather I have tried to keep most happy around me. Sometimes I think, that is where the problem lies, I have probably bent over backwards trying to maintain a balance, in the process screwing up my own.
I can scream it out how much it hurts, how pointless it feels, there is no one to hear.
Every one is so caught up in the present, in themselves, their thoughts, their values, their morals... and I am so sick and tired of it all.

"Desiderata" (Latin for "desired things") is an inspirational poem about attaining happiness in life. It was first copyrighted in 1927 by Max Ehrmann.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Vagabond

" A vagabond is characterized by almost continuous travelling, lacking a fixed home, temporary abode, or permanent residence. "

Hmmm ... That actually makes me think, when ever things come to a standstill, that's exactly what gets me back on track, so does that make me one?
Travelling has always gotten me excited, be it planning it, or actually doing it, everything about it smells new experiences, new beginnings. I wonder why others would not do the same, start with clean new sheet, especially when you've got a block.
I sure have one huge one!

Tata buys Jaguar in £1.15bn deal

Whoah!!!!
have to paint mine tri color now..weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

"I read this several months ago somewhere but can't for the life of me recall exactly where. Anyway, the article had said that the chairman of the Indian Railway Board at the turn of the last century when the British ruled India, a Sir Upcott, was so skeptical of the fledgling Tata, that he had rather cockily announced that he would eat every pound of steel used in the construction of the railways that Tata could produce that actually met the exacting British standards.

It is said that in the two decades that followed he suffered from severe indigestion.

No doubt the Mittal-Arcelor merger, spurred Tata to expand to S.E. Asia last year. They're bidding for Some Russian and S. African companies as well."

chk this out
http://eternalsensation.blogspot.com/2007/01/mr-frederick-upcott-we-have-26-million.html

Holi 2008

As usual, it was the 3rd year hosting holi and every time i see the house after it is over i wonder why i volunteer!!!?
But we love celebrating it and it was good fun.
The only thing being i couldnt play very much myself as Puddles rendered my Arm broken the night before while trying to catch a ball!
Here go the photos...

Nice...

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

Tired...Very tired !

Don't know why i have been feeling tired. Almost everyday goes by , getting up, working and then sleeping. All of a sudden and the day is over before you know it. Work is dragging to a close slowly, thank goodness !
I am getting a little tired of this project now :(. cath's work is almost done from my end so hopefully it will wrap up fast. The new dining table is looking nice and picked up a new office chair for myself.
This week i also went for what is officially in my books the worst concert ever! The Dubai Desert Rock! 250 dhs down the drain and a crick in my neck for a concert that was neither in the desert and nor rock but pure noise! Poor souls here trying to make the best of worse, for the lack of knowing any better!
The weekend is going to be busy as well, with Rohit coming down from states! So no sleep quota making up for me! A little annoying actually though it will be nice to see them again after so long...or may be not!
For now life sucks..nothing in particular wrong, but just dead boring...

My Dogs have Ticks !!!!!

Past 2 weeks have been trying to get rid of the ticks on Phoebe and Puddles that the stupid cat has brought in!. It belongs to our landlord but lives in our house and we feed him, but i have no clue if he is inoculated or clean, but he surely brought the ticks in..grrrrrrrrrrrr.
I have since last night taken it upon myself to rifd the pets and the house and the garden of them...here comes - ME!

Weekend Fujairah Trip

Musandam got cancelled because of stormy weather so the camping gear is still sitting under the bed! We headed out to Fujairah instead and this time via RAK. The drive was different through more mountainous terrain. We went to Sandy Beach and had a chalet this time. Frankly it was not as bad as expatwoman paints it out to be. We swam, bar be qued and then Sandeep, Rajarshi & Chandana joined us later in the evening. Was nice and relaxing. Shiva and Puneet enjoyed too for which i am glad , it was a change of scene.



We headed back to drop them in RAK and ate at Ceasers, the food was great and we headed back for Dubai / Once home , the usual, grocery shopping, home, doggies and sleep :)

Feb in a nutshell

February just wizzed past. Trips to India concerning B's dad. It was a difficult time for all. Things were much advanced than we expected but dad is bearing up to it very well. he does not have any pain as of now and we will know ina month if he is responding to any medication. We have considered them moving in with us ina month or two, it is just a waiting game as of now. I pray for all to go go smoothly.
Work wise has been interesesting. Work payments got sorted out so thats a plus.
We need a break and are looking forward to a camping trip to Oman on Friday, hope it is nice. wish i had not sold the Jeep :). Well, one can not have everything is it?

The Year Start

Well! 2007 zoomed away or so i can say. Started off slow with me recovering and what seemed to have seemed like a slow year picked up from September.

The previous months had been hard with my side of the chipping having stopped. I realised i should just get back to work and let things happen as they happen. I had had enough of brooding, enough of sympathisers and just needed to move on. Move on I did ! Work came in from all quarters. That was a blessing. The money scene sorted out and the pressure was off. It is surprising how financial pressures can change you as a person. Gone are the days when people said the "best things in life are free". I firmly believe, "If you have cash in the safe, it makes life a hell of a lot better" !. 2007 was landmark in the sense i blew all my personal records in project earnings, hope it keeps steady any ways :). B bought me diamonds and i bought myself some more, in all seriousness, I now have nice diamonds be proud of ! Not to mention the Air India fiasco where a lot of my favourite jewellery got stolen!

We travelled a lot in November & December. Throughout India ( Khajuraho & Orchha) & Europe ( Denmark, Holland, Spain & France) . I enjoyed Spain and got back with an old friend. Life is too short to hold grudges. I have decided against travelling in Europe in the winters though, it is pure sadism! Wrote a lot in travel blogs and one came out in Chauhan' magazine. Pretty decent actually.

January on the other hand has been topsy turvy! My best client went in to a "non payment mode" ! Sure got me by surprise. This month end it has sorted out somewhat. We got the upsetting news that B's dad is seriously unwell, all of it we still do not know. What we know is not good. Makes you wonder about parents, and them being alone, both of us do not like the idea, but we also do not know what else to do !?

Shiva has started working alongside on projects, Things are coming in, so that is positive.
These have been the highlights so far.
Cheers...and here is to hope for better.

Windy Friday

It is cold and windy. Weather department has given out a warning on fast winds for the next 3 days. All grey and cold :(. We will go for the zakir Hussain show today later in the evening, hope it is nice.
B has to call Doc about dad as well. Keeping fingers crossed that all is well !

हिन्दी ट्रांस्लितेरेशन Feature

Hindi Transliteration Feature

यह तो बहुत ही फंडू है !!! सुपर कूल
~ पापिया हाजरा साह

Grey

It's all grey outside and cold..guess one doesn't usually write like that about Dubai, but so it is. Apparently some freak weather! The day has started lousy and i am in a shit mood.. Guess me and the clouds just don't get along. grrr...